Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
