get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
