I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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