i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
