My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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