dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
