she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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