I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
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he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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