He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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