Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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