You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
