These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
