apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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