i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Randomize
