Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
