I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
