There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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