Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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