my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
