On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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