some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
