Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
