Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
