i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
