um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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