Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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