I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
