Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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