omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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