she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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