I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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