so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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