so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
