Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
