I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby