Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Edward fifth and chaser hands
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober