can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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