I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
