shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
