if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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