I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
