he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Too much gin, very little bucket
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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