Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
