Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
