shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
