Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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