Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
