i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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