You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
