So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
