New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
