Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
