i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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