she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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