Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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